The American Inquisition

Inquisitor:  What's in your wallet?
Me:  Why do you ask, are you an art enthusiast?
Inquisitor:  Not sure what you mean; you carry works of art in your wallet?
Me:  Doesn't everybody?  Let's see ... here I have portraits of some presidents.  I forget which ones, they're always coming and going.  Today I have a George Washington, an Abe Lincoln, a couple of Andrew Jacksons, and ... wow, here's a Ulysses S. Grant, I don't get many of him!  These are the only engravings I have, but here's a photograph of my nuclear family.
Inquisitor:  Huh?  You have two mothers?
Me:  No sir.  This is my mother on the left, and that one is her best friend from the Art Students League, Virginia Clark.
Inquisitor:  Go on.
Me:  Well, that's all the art I carry around.  The rest is the usual assortment of plastic cards of no possible interest to you ... then there's this: my Pope Card.
Inquisitor:  Gimme that!!
Me:  Don't take it out of its sleeve, it's very worn at the edges.  I got it from Robert Anton Wilson for performing an amazingly spiritual exercise: listening to him speak for an hour without walking out.
Inquisitor:  I'm in awe ... "Be it known that M. A. Pelizzari, aka Sri Spock, is a genuine Pope of the Paratheoanametamystickhood of Eris Esoterica (POEE) with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities.  Good Forever.  Ewige Blumenkraft!  Issued by POEE Milpitas Cabal".  Jeez, is this for real?
Me:  What do you think.  Check the type font.
Inquisitor:  Gothic!  Forgive me, Your Holiness.  You are free to leave.
Me:  Thank you, officer.  May I have the wallet, please.
Inquisitor:  Sorry, here you are.  But first, what are these atom symbols?
Me:  Carbon atoms.  See, they have 6 electrons.  Carbon, the element that makes all life possible.  Don't burn it, or it will make all life impossible.